Jokes and Riddles

lmao!! oh my gosh... that one made me crack up, it's not that funny.. but i dunno, i guess I'm feelin silly lol. it's cute.

SPANISH FOR GRINGOS (Para que los Gringos aprendan castellano)

- Boy as n r = Voy a cenar = I'm gonna have a dinner
- N L C John = en el sillón = on the armchair
- Be a hope and son = viejo panzón = fat old man
- Who and see to seek ago = Juancito se cagó = Little John is a chicken things.
- S toy tree stone = estoy tristón = I'm kind a sad.
- Lost trap eat toss = los trapitos = the little rags
- Desk can saw = descanso = (you) rest.
- As say toon as = aceitunas = olives.
- The head the star mall less stan dough = deje de estar molestando = stop bugging me.
- See eye = si hay = if we have
- T n s free o ? = tienes frio = are you cold?
- T N S L P P B N T S O = Tienes el pipi bien tieso = you have an erection.
- Tell o boy ah in cruise tar = Te lo voy a incrustar = I'm going to insert it in you

lol roachio i heard that one on the radio 2 its funny!!


^^^^^^ that one is funny lol cute and funny!!!

email forward:

RESPUESTAS A LOS GRANDES MISTERIOS...

¿QUE PASO CON LA MUJER QUE FINALMENTE ENTENDIO A LOS HOMBRES?

Se murió de risa antes de poder contárselo a alguien...

¿POR QUE LOS HOMBRES CIERRAN LOS OJOS DURANTE EL SEXO?

Porque no soportan ver a una mujer disfrutando...

¿POR QUE LOS HOMBRES NO CONFIAN EN LAS MUJERES?

Porque no confían en alguien que sangra 5 dias seguidos y no se muere...

¿QUE SERIA UN HOMBRE SI TUVIERA UNA NEURONA?

un genio...

Y DOS NEURONAS?

un superdotado...

¿POR QUE LOS HOMBRES NO PIENSAN?

Porque tienen un hoyo en la cabeza...

¿POR QUE DICEN QUE LAS MUJERES SOMOS BRUJAS?

porque podemos hacer que se levante una 'barita' sin tocarla...

¿POR QUE LOS HOMBRES SE SIENTAN CON LAS PIERNAS ABIERTAS?

para no aplastarse el cerebro...

¿POR QUE LOS HOMBRES NO TIENEN MENOPAUSIA?

Por que nunca salen de la adolescencia...

¿QUE ES LO QUE NUNCA LE DEBES DE CREER A UN HOMBRE?

1- mañana te pago

2- me quede trabajando hasta tarde

3- la puntita no mas

4- la primera vez no pasa nada

¿POR QUE LOS HOMBRES SON HOMBRES Y LAS RATAS SON RATAS?

Porque las Ratas escogieron primero...

¿POR QUE ES LO MISMO TENER UN PERRO QUE TENER UN HOMBRE?

Porque a los dos les hablas, te miran y hasta parece que te entienden...

y los dos para conseguir algo mueven la colita...

¿POR QUE NO DEBEMOS DE DECIR 'HOMBRES ESTUPIDOS'?

Porque es un pleonasmo...

¿POR QUE EXISTEN LOS TRASVESTIS?

Por que hasta ellos se arrepienten de ser hombres...


"Entre mas conozco a los hombres, mas quiero a mi perro"

"No todos los hombres son iguales... pero ah! como se parecen"

feminista yoooooooooooo?

Feminista Dios que los hizo inferiores!

jajajaja, pero saben que?.... no podemos vivir sin esos desgraciados....!!!!!!!!!!

^^LOL True!

---->There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy .. you explain the kids."


---->A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"
And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

This post has been edited by Mexican_Girl03 on Jun 23 2004, 05:38 PM

This is pretty good....

What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
Questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and,

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far Butt kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard
Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,
Bullshit and Butt Kissing will put you over the top.

lol... true!

I love how the wife calls her husband.. an "idiot".. it's so cute!

A guy walks into a bar and hears someone tell him how hot he is. He looks around the bar and it's only him and the bartender in there. As the night goes on, he hears more and more voices telling him how good he looks and all sorts of good things. Finally he asks the bartender where all the voices are coming from and he says, "Oh those are the peanuts. They're complimentary." HEE!!!

Hey i don't get this one am i slow or am i slow?

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one
afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee

The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked,
"Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to
give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a
hunched back.

He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and
asked the Waitress for a cup of hot tea.

He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is
that Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give
Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a
Redneck on crutches.

He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered,
"Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold
glass of Coke!"

He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is
that God's boy over there?"

The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to
give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman,
touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are
healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into
his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and
said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The
Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he
raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of
back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck.

The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch
me...I'm drawin' disability."

How many country singers does it take to change a light bulb?
_________________

Six. One to change the bulb, and five to sing about how much they're going to miss it.

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them out loud)



1) That’s not right -- Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP -- Kum Hia Nao

4) Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni

5) Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan

6) I bumped into a coffee table -- Ai Bang Mai Ni

7) I think you need a face lift -- Chin Tu Fat

8) It’s very dark in here -- Wao So Dim

9) I thought you were on a diet -- Wai Yu Mun Ching

10) This is a tow away zone -- No Pah King

11) Our meeting is scheduled for next week -- Wai Yu Kum Nao

12) Staying out of sight! -- Lei Ying Lo

13) He’s cleaning his automobile -- Wa Shing Ka

14) Your body odor is offensive -- Yu Stin Ki Pu

15) Great -- Su Pah
_________________

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes, Part 2

Give me the money! -- Pei Nau

Where's the restroom? -- Ai Pe Nau

I absolutely agree -- No Daut

Stop teasing me! -- Tat Nut Fun

Annoying kid -- Hit Tat Boi

Go for a ride for free -- Hit Hai King

That was an unauthorized execution -- Lin Ching

You are not very bright -- Yu So Dum

I am not guilty -- Wai Hang Mi

Please, stay a while longer -- Wai Go Nao

They have arrived -- Hia Dei Kum

Saying the same thing -- Ri Pi Ting

Now I understand -- Ai See Nau

Look at that Ferrari! -- Big Boi Toi

He's extremely ticklish! -- Jum Pin Hai

Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting

I didn't know you could sing? -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song

This bathroom stinks! -- Hu Flung Dung

Haha, we had to tell jokes because the air conditioner broke at one of our shows, it was so great...

Two flamingos are on an iceberg. One falls off. What does the other say?

Orange Juice (Don't get it? Me neither, but it was funny as hell when I first said it.)



A horse walks into a bar... what does the bartender say?

(If you read the last joke, you'd think "Orange Juice"... but it's actually)

"Why is there a horse in my damned bar?"